Why There’s So Much Shame in Being Trapped in an Abusive Relationship

I’m lying awake thinking about how much shame I felt when I was still stuck in my marriage, aware that it was killing me. I felt ashamed for being so stupid that I didn’t pick up on his agenda and bad character traits before I married him, for choosing to look past or deny the ones I found unacceptable because I believed he’d change. I felt ashamed because I was so unhappy that all I ever did was complain about his behavior to all and sundry. If I didn’t talk, I would’ve imploded. But then I’d feel even more ashamed when the people I shared with got tired of listening and said, “If you’re so miserable, why don’t you leave?!”

I was judged as incompetent, useless, stupid, miserable, pathetic, and helpless. I already felt that way, and the last thing I needed was to have people reiterate those feelings—a new surge of even more shame upon the existing shame. What they don’t realize is that it’s very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. In our defence, we often don’t understand the reasons why we’re trapped and miserable until the day we see and can comprehend that what they’re doing to us is intentional and abusive. It’s cruel, it’s demeaning, it’s soul-destroying.

We must realize that NO, it’s not our fault that the relationship is falling apart. We didn’t do anything wrong aside from expecting the person we fell in love with to love us back the same way we loved them. Our expectations of someone incapable of giving us the love we need keep us in victim mode, being reactionary. We become desperately unhappy, resentful, furious, disappointed, and depressed. Eventually, we check out by being passive-aggressive. Then we feel deeply ashamed that we’ve become someone we despise.

I used to hate who I became when I was around my ex. Self-loathing hinders us even more because we don’t believe we’re worthy of anything better. And so we stay—trapped, alone, misunderstood, voiceless, and with no idea how to change the unacceptable reality that’s become our lives.

I’m writing this because someone needs to hear it. If it’s you, please know there is always a way out. You do not have to stay in a toxic relationship that’s bleeding you dry. Your very lifeblood is being diminished to the point where you are no longer living, merely surviving, barely coming up to the surface for air—dying a little more every day.

You Can Devise a Plan to Have a Better Experience of Life

One in which you will have:

• Freedom: of choice, of expression, of speech.
• Peace: no longer dealing with chaos, rage, second-guessing, or agonizing over ways you can change because you’re always blamed; no more walking on eggshells fearing their wrath.
• Happiness: because you’ll be able to live authentically in alignment with your values, pursue your dreams, and do the things that bring you joy and fulfilment. Free to be the kind, caring, loving, compassionate, and empathetic person you love to be. Free to laugh and enjoy the moments, instead of being with someone intent on stealing your joy.

May I encourage you by saying that if I managed to get out after 32 years of marriage—with no finances, nothing in my name, nowhere to live, no good support system (neither family nor friends), my age against me, and no idea how life on my own was going to be—so can you! The key is reaching a place of radical acceptance: resigning yourself to the fact that they are who they are and that they don’t want us to fix them (our efforts have been futile and a waste of energy). Understanding, with great sadness, that they will not change and that because you are the unhappy one, you must take responsibility for your unhappiness by changing yourself and the way things are.

I stopped praying for him, for me, for our relationship to be restored and started praying for the courage to leave. It was the right thing to do. I believe God is waiting, like the gentleman He is, for us to see things as they are and to choose ourselves over others. He made us for a specific purpose and needs us to value ourselves enough to do the brave thing: breaking free from the entrapment that prevents us from fulfilling our purpose.

Courageous change is needed, but I couldn’t have done this in my own strength. It was God who gave me the courage to leave. He made a way for me when I had no idea how things would turn out. He works everything out for good when you agree with His sentiments that you are loveable. God loves you. He tells us to love Him above all else and love our neighbour as we love ourselves.

He created us and knows that if we can’t love ourselves we can’t have healthy relationships. We are fearfully and wonderfully made—gifted, talented, unique, dearly loved, and precious to the One who created you. Please ask God to help you. To set you free. To give you the wisdom you need as you trust Him to guide you. You can do this! He will never leave you nor forsake you. His love is never-ending. He will protect you and provide for you. He is the waymaker, and I know He will make a way for you when you choose you.

Do it today. Set a goal with a timeline so you have direction and focus. Make it happen. We’re here for you, listening, assisting, and cheering you on. I believe in you. Believe in yourself and believe in the One who loves you and is for you. Do it afraid, trusting that God will fight the battle for you. He is with you and knows your fears. Rest in Him and let Him devise a plan for the way forward. He is all-powerful and will help you with every little detail. Believe it. 🙏🏻❣️

Penny ~ founder of NASG, and Abuse Recovery Coach.